Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Moosie42's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
12:28 pm	Surfing I've been attempting to learn to surf . . . hehe. My core self sorta laughs at my current waking life self, because deep inside I have this "definitely not into the surfer culture" sort of identity. Sometime long ago when I was too busy being insecure about my breasts or my hips and was listening too intently to some of the screaming stereotype media iconographic images about what kind of person you had to be to surf or to hang out at the beach, I relegated it in my mind as something not for me & even poo-pooed it. It's true in some ways, I'm not a surfer girl - I'm much more of an earthy sort than a water sort, but it's funny - when in Rome do as the Romans do, & here I am in San Diego living 3 blocks from the beach & find myself trying this mini sub-culture on for size. I'm having a blast. There are many things I'm learning here & I'm so thankful for it. One of the cool things about surfing is that in many ways it's like COntact Improv. It's all about fanagaling yourself into the right position where you can catch a "free ride" whether its on another human body or on the curves of Yemanja - it makes no difference. That sensation where you finally feel yourself lifted and carried, and "taken", where you are not controling the stiuation anymore but someone or something else is saying "Here, close your eyes & come with me, i've got something to show you" - it's anticipation, its the unkown, its surprise, & its just fucking fun as all hell. Surfing is also like Contact Improv in that it's all about listening very intently to your environment and knowing when to release and surrender or actively engage. It's true though, I love romanticizing the ocean, but I'm not a very strong swimmer, and when you're one little human floundering about in Poseidan's massive arms, the Dar Williams line keeps running through my head. "I don't care, I'm not kind. I have bludgeoned your sailors, I have spat out your keepsakes", & after I get tousseled about in a series of wave after wave from nowhere, & feel the ache of the saltwater trickling down my nasal passages, I remember more intently my own fragility, and am humbled. In my cellular memory I understand again and remember the origins of both human awe and fear for nature, and am reminded of lifes destructive capacities and rage. & Sometimes, just sometimes I have a little more sympathy for the history my species has had of wanting to control and tame the massive forces all around us, - but again its all been based in fear. an understandable fear yes, but a destructive one as well. Just like with surfing or contact improv, or even in life when you become rigid & forceful, scared & needing to feel secure again by a confirmation of your own power to affect the world around you - you lose that free ride, you lose the gift, the lesson, & Hey, it's all about that free ride baby! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
12:04 am	re: New Job My new job totally fucking rocks! I am so completely ecstatic and thankful! It feels like finally things are going my way and I'm able to relax a little and start thinking about other areas of my life rather than being constantly in a "survival" mode. So I did finally land a position as a Master Teacher with Head Start . . . that is after I went ahead and accepted a normal teaching position at a private preschool where they put me in the infant room. The organization that runs Head Start in the SanDiego area is one of the least organized, slowest, one hand doesn't know what the other hand is doing organizations I have ever worked with - On par with the California Conservation Corps . . . Why oh why do I keep entangling myself with these large government beurocracies? Silly moose. But thats why I took the other job because I felt like I couldn't afford to wait arround for Head Start to get themselves organized enough to process my application & place me. It was a great job switch though - I went from $11 an hour at the other place to $15.80 an hour & Head Start being governement, it comes with great benefits. ANyhow, I've been at my new job for two weeks now, - It's a night program, which means my hours are from 2pm - 11pm, (which couldn't make happier), and I absolutely love these children. There are stresses. its true, but something about being with children in the evening . . . I don't know - these kids are some of the calmest most well behaved kids I've ever met, & their beautiful. They also all mostly speak spanish primarily - which although the rules state that I need to speak only English with them to help them learn, it couldn't make me happier. The spanish areas of my brain are being reactivated just by being around them all the time, hearing it from them & attempting to communicate with their parents. It's also fun to be able to say something to the children in spanish and then give them the english equivalent and have them repeat it. Most of them understand english just fine, especially if they've been in the program for a few years, but only a handful of them can really communicate in it. It's interesting though. Politically I've walked into a hornets nest. The site has just recently got a new center director, (the woman that hired me), and there's a lot of animosity between the "old school" & "new school' people shes brought in. Essentially I'm the young, new, inexperienced white chick with a college degree whose in charge of supervising the night staff (all mostly middle aged black & hispanic women with children) and making sure their in compliance with all of her new rules, etc . . . As a matter of fact I know that a large part of the reason I was hired was because I am white. Not because the tiny black southern woman who hired me prefers whites, but becuase she wanted to help round out the cultural diversity of the staff the children see everyday, and have it be more representative of San Diego at large . . . Currently, I'm the only white person that works there. But it's a challenge. It's interesting . . . since I graduated I've repeatedly found myself in situations which have challenged and caused me to look at an aversion I have to taking authority or being in a position of power over another human being. This is true in the case of teaching, and its true in the case of supervision as well. I know that people need and desire effective leadership & often want someone above them that they respect & want to please. I know that because I often want that - But, I just have to learn to trust myself a little more, and go ahead and grab the authority I'm being offerred rather than feeling like I must apologize for it and be so worried about disrespecting someone or stepping on their toes. How to value everyone, acknowledge their contributions, opinions, and advice, and still command respect and lay down the law when it needs to be done? It's not something I'm not innately comfortable with. We shall see . . . It's true that since I started this job my least favorite part of it has been dealing with the adults and the constant earful of politics I get wherever I go, and the awareness that I need to watch my back, because no matter what I do there will be people that don't like me. Ugh. I hate that. It makes me just want to close off to everything else and just focus on being with the kids, and brainstorming up cool new fun things we can design for them next week to explore, get messy with, or send their imaginations going wild. Thats the fun part. At my last job up in Humboldt the thing I hated the most was that I'd go to a school, give a presentation, and then leave - never getting to see these children again, or develop a relationship with them. This time it's the exact opposite. As a matter of fact, next week we start going out on our home visits - getting to go to the home of the child, see where they live, and ask the parents certain questions. I'm excited and nervous about this. On the one hand, knowing the situation, family, and context of a child that I'm spending 40 hours a week with, deepens the meaning of that time for me so much. On the other hand - I'm afraid of the situations i'll truly find. Some I already know will be horrible. Children living in cramped dirty conditions, cockroaches galore, absent father, too many siblings, etc . . . Or just the opposite - kids who seem to be doing fairly well off, which leads to either two conclusions - their somehow cheating the system and taking advantage of the program which totally sucks . . . or somebody in the family's dealing drugs. Then their's the unique problem of a night program, where we find out that kids are in a fulltime day program somewhere else & then come straight here - which just breaks my heart. Anyhow . . . I'm happy, I'm emmersed in a field I have a lot to learn from in many many ways. Plus, I'm being compensated well for my time - & I don't leave everyday feeling like the life has been sucked out of me the way I did when I was in the infant room. I swear, 8 hours a day of crying, no matter how cute some of the babies were - was taking year off my life . . . a new adventure begins . . . (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 11th, 2004
11:48 pm	Anza Borrego So I've been feeling called eastward . . . Passed up the BigBear trip on Friday & it baffled me even, but after looking at the map I realized I really wanted to go east . . . I was craving barrenness - open skies. Jesus what beautiful country - The Anza-Borrego desert. They make it look like wasteland on the map but its golden I am finding my goddess in San Diego So striking to drive through the wreckage left in the wake of the Cedar Fires too A beautiful day & a spontaneous desert fiending found me sitting on rocks and singing to the open skies. I want more of this Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Friday, December 19th, 2003
2:59 am	Hope . . . $, work, and the financial bottom line for the pursuit of my dreams Oh Huzzah! It is perhaps too soon to really celebrate - but it finally looks like - after months of searching it seems that I may be situating myself with the kind of full time work that I need in order to make my travel dreams a reality. I moved to San Diego from Humboldt back in October - pretty much exhausting my savings in the transition process, with the plan of living with my father for a while rent free & focusing on major income generation for the few months that I planned to be down here. Leaving Humboldt and my life up there combined with the grim and ego-busting reality of finding it harder than I ever have before to find a job - I have spent the last few months in a rather unfriendly and less than optimistic mood. I have been feeling torn in multitudes of directions - desires, longings, needs that want to be fulfilled sooner than later, and as I haven't been able to make this stage of my plan work thus far - there have been multitudes of mad midnight scrapings of the whole plan and figuring out of various plan B's. I've wanted to join the Peace Corps for a while now - I'm debt free, have no dependents, have my degree, and enough expereince to easily land me an environmental ed or youth development position. This of course does not require fundage to do, and as such recently I'd been thinking of just scraping my plans of trying to store up some dinero and just applying and getting out of the States ASAP. However, I've desperately wanted to take a permaculture design course, or better yet partake in an Aprovecho research internship before going overseas - to help better prepare myself as well as just because I want to. I've also wanted to do some independent traveling, etc . . . So I've been all bummed out because none of it looked like it'd be able to happen - but now it just might. I've been through hell and high water trying to get all of my ducks in line to get a full time teaching position with Head Start - for which I only recently realized I qualify for . . . First I had to go through the SanDiego County Office of Ed and submit all of my transcripts, as well as old friggen class syllabi to get my Child Development Site Supervisor Credentials paperwork underway. Not to mention a $78. fingerprinting - oh joy oh joy . . . Then a lenghty application, complete with "official" transcripts, and a copy of my temporary permit to be submitted to Head Starts local hiring agency - only to discover that I need to be fingerprinted again (yes again) this time for $97. through social services. Mind you I didn't get the wrong one done the first time - no no - I actually needed to have my prints go through the State DOJ & FBI twice - once for the credential & another for the Dept of Social Services - which for some reason can't communicate with the Office of Ed to get clearance info - pure stupidity. All this just to start substituting oh - then I discover I can't be in the classroom until I have my Health Clearance form filled out - even though the form clearly says that I have until seven days after employment begins to meet this requirement. Mind you I had this all done 1 year and three months ago - but no no, if it was over 1 year I have to go see a doctor again to tell me that I'm okay to do things like cook food and lift children. This would all be fine except I'm going nuts because the hiring agency, (NHA) doesn't place you in sites - you have to do all that leg work yourself & see if any sites need you - & when they say yes - they need you today. So you basically have to go through this whole process (fingerprinting, transcripts, permits, health clearance) without any guarantee of a job after you're done. Because any place that says they need you when you started (& you can't start the process until you're affiliated with a site) won't by the time you are actually cleared. Inanity. However - Even though I'm not quite through with the whole process - I put a few days in at a local site at $13.04 an hour & the center director loves me & will be using me quite a bit & wants to hire me on full time as soon as I go through the whole process of getting on the "eligabilty" list. Which mind you requires being interviewed by both a parent and Head Start person and then having your file reviewed by two subcommitees - If you aren't placed within 6 months You have to start the process all over again. Jesus - this has been ridiculous. However - I'm almost there. For the next few weeks I should be able to get plenty of sub work & I passed my interview for Master Teacher already - so if this director likes me, as soon as my paper work is through hopefully I will have full time work at somewhere between $13-$16. an hour. If I had been able to find work pouring coffee or working at a bookstore I would have done so - much easier you see. But for some unbeknownst reason - I could not. Anyhow- this works out well for me. Plus working with Head Start will help me get better work with Peace Corps too & is relevant experience for my long term goal of getting my MFT. Plus it's nice to have a teaching credential for backup work in the next five years as needed. If I do this for a few months - At least through the end of May - possibly half way through July - I'll have saved up a nice chunk of change & will have much more mobility in the pursuit of my dreams . . . Which roughly amounts to: Possibly Wwoofing & backpacking in Canada/ Spain/ Europe through the end of July & August (maybe doing BC or UK witchcamp in August?) (possibly seeing about a Green Tortoise Mexico/ central America trip in there too as an alternate) Doing Aprovecho from September - mid Nov. Then being ready for the Peace Corps (3 months training + 2 years) which takes me to when? . . . about February of 2006 just in time to submit any and all application materials to the Somatic Psych MFT grad program at CIIS - Which would get me my MFT license, as well as qualify me for a Dance Movement Therapy license - if thats still what I want to do by then. Although somewhere in there I'd need to get my basic massage certification first in order to qualify . . . Right - then settling down with a partner (who of course will magically materialize out of thin air at just the right moment)- having kids and going off and living in some idealistic intentional community eco-groovy sustainalbe village somewhere thats not too far away from an urban center where I'd be able to work out of? Read "Lost Valley" perhaps? hmmmm Or - horror of all horrors just living in a city I like and building a family and a life there. Hmmm . . . too many things I'd like to do - Budget, and foreplanning will all dictate what gets to happen and what doesn't. THere are a million and one variations on the same theme. Of course there's also the awareness that my father has made a pact with himself to hang around til my sister turns 18 - which would put me half way through my Peace Corps stint. If at that time he did pass away I'd need to come home to take care of everything. Not to mention the anguishing internal debate I have about going at all, if I feel I'm then risking missing my last potential time with him by leaving the country. Although thats partially what this time in SanDiego is about. Hangin with him, laughing with him, helping him out as much as I can. It was really hard at first. Living full time again with a parent - There's weird dynamics there. I'm helping him out - he's helping me out - but as long as we feel the exchange is in balanced reciprocity, and that we more or less roommates and friends - things go mostly well. I've actually been really touched lately at the increased humanity I've been able to see in him, spending consistent time with him over the past few months - We've spent a lot more time laughing and being playful than I'd expected, and I've also been touched to get to witness the quality of the friendships he does have in his own life - they're much richer than I had previously given him credit for. The reality of my father in the day to day is quite different and much fuller and more endearing than the picture I had held of him before. Meeting him on his level on his territory has been eye opening. Anyhow . . . The worst part about really really hoping to get this full time teaching gig is that I will have to give up the dance classes I've been teaching on Thursdays. It's been a great part time - don't take too seriously job, that I'd love to continue, if it didn't require availability at odd times during the work week. But I have it to hold on to while I sub as well, until I finally am on that damn "eligability list" for teaching. It will pull through - I know it. & it's exactly what I need, to give me a bit of a cushion to move forward in the next few stages of my life and ease certain "transition" periods as they arise. I may be eager to do lots of playing, traveling, and bouncing around - but I am more eager to make sure I have my basic needs met and don't get in debt over the next few years. If that means working for longer than I'd planned and delaying things I may do that - If it means cutting out some of the juicy stuff I may do that too - but all in all I just feel so much better that for the first time since I made the decision to leave Humboldt - It looks like I might actually find a means to make my dreams manifest for myself ohhhh . . . I hope I hope I hope Current Mood: optimistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
9:25 pm	Preschools, Families, Peace Corps, and Me Just put 2 days in substituting at a local Head Start - I felt good - I've been reminded of and validated for my ability to work with kids. I honestly like them you know - and although I can get frustrated, its work I value highly - Loving and playing with kids, encouraging them, building their self-esteem, helping to guide them to discoveries of life in this world, helping them learn to communicate effectively, teaching them the joy of singing and dancing - working on positive reinforcement for pro-social behavior, which in the long run will help children reach the first step of belonging on Maslow's pyramid. I am Mariah. I work with families and children - I will get my MFT, and I will have my own practice, and explore dance movemoent therapy, and maybe get my Phd in Psych & write books - My Peace Corps/ environmental goals and my family/ counseling goals are not as opposite of tangents as I have previously believed - Working with people in various countries will help my counseling abilities, and learning environmental/ sustainable living skills will be vital for my own families growth. and in response to my previous post . . . I will miss D. And I love Amadon - I'd just forgotten our connection - it's playful in the present - doesn't really translate over the phone. Plus it was awesome to get to meet Amanda and Ezra - they had a great relationship and their level of affinity was high but not ridiculous. THey were a great example of two coupled individuals. I enjoyed meeting them - Plus - they both want to be teachers. They're good people I can tell. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 26th, 2003
8:06 pm	Fires & Resumes Working on my 4th day here in SD - Fires were intense today - this was the second morning in my life where I've woken up to look out the window & struggle to comprehend the orange sky and red sun looking back at me. The first time was on a Greyhound bus 2 summers ago on my way through Oregon during the Biscuit fires. Took a bike ride today out along the periphery of Mission bay. Forgot to wear my sunglasses & spent a lot of the time squinting & blinking to cope with the all the ash getting in my eyes. Days like these are interesting - you always get that collective we're all in this together response from the community - whenever disaster or tragedy strikes on large scale levels - you just feel it all around you. plus things get quiet. Things were very quiet today here at my little RV resort home. been working on the ol resume - I've got a job interview tomorrow for a job teaching dance classes to children with a mobile dance company. i had a premonition up in humboldt that part of my next lifes journeying would include doing this in some shape or fashion. I'm not sure I'll take the job if she offers it to me - depends on the pay and hours - It's hard because techically my sole priority in life right now should be bringing in as much income as humanly possible for the next 6 months or so while I'm hanging with my dad - but a lot of the job opportuites that I'm interested in for my own personal growth & relevant resume building experience doesn't really seem to align with that goal - theres a shocker - could've predicted that one Moose. We'll see how i work it all out. Been dreaming something awful - every night - epic - long - involving people from all walks of my life - popping up here & there. Stuff is moving in me in very deep ways right now & I'm not even sure what to expect from it all. I spent part of yesterday in an unrelinqueshible funk subject to random bouts of tears and an absoulte inability to show any patience at all for dealing with my fathers irradicate energy flows and communication patterns. Feeling better all in all today though. gonna keep workin on that ol resume (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 20th, 2003
8:31 am	LA IN LA writing in the library at CalState - where I went to high school. It's weird being back here. i'm shadowing my sister for a day to peak in on her life. It's been five years since I graduated from this place & so much has changed. I've had some low points the last few days - being in LA is a struggle for me - being at my mothers house is really hard. It hasn't felt like home ever I think - but especially since Joe & the kids moved in. It's not MY house - I'm a guest - no matter how much they say I am welcome to stay or even live there. We moved there 6 years ago - you'd think it'd feel like home by now. Even worse is the absence of Tiki & Pud. My heart aches for a little warm furry in my life - but there is no space for one & worse yet I'm finding that I'm hesitant & even resistant to making friends with warm furries that do pass through my life. I didn't even say goodbye to Tomkitty - I said goodbye to my plants but not the cat - how fucked up is that. Anyhow - I'm really ready to be outta here now - I've been in limbo for too long - need to be somewhere & start setting things up - I've got about two more days here til I hit SanDiego. In many ways it will be a relief just to arrive (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 16th, 2003
5:13 pm	Random Moose wanderings & limbo bimbo I've been in Berkeley/ SF for a few days now - have everything I own in my car with me - surprisingly it all fits. It was really hard to leave - but I've been reflecting for the past few days now at how fascinated I am at the process of it all. I was so anxious & terrified of uprooting myself again that I did all these things to prepare for the event. In my minds I in the months beforehand I could see myself falling apart when I had to take the things off my wall & just about dieing the moment I had to drive away. But because of all this anxiety I had over it - I did all these little things for myself, Had a separation ritual with Calder - ie releasing each other as lovers & embracing each other now as friends - Threw a going away party, sat down and had coffee with people I needed to say things to still, or whose friendship had become particularly rich for me & I wanted to spend some quality time with. By the end of the week I had been doing so much goodbye saying that I just wanted to run away I go already - Saying goodbyes are hard. At the end of my going away party there were just a few women still there - about 5-6, and it was the night after the full moon & we all ended up outside singing songs to the moon and to each other. & then impromptu sorta - they formed a circle & put me in the center & started chanting my name, and holding me, then each one spoke and said such beautiful things to me I could hardly let it inside. I've had little love circles like this before in different contexts - but this time it was really magical. Witnessed by everyone in the circle I was able to privately connect with each woman there & hear what they had to say & then articulate to them all the love and admiration I had for them & how they uniquely have affected my life. At certain points I thought I should be crying - but it was a huge energy builder - I started jumping up and down & laughing. I remember feeling that if I didn't have anymore fun or meaningful connections with anyone for the entire next year that I would still be full up - not just from that evening - but from my entire expereince up in Humboldt. Then they all impromptu spent the night - we had a little slumber party in the living room around the fire & stayed up chatting & giggling. I couldn't have asked for a better gift on my last night in Humboldt I went up there with the intention of seeing if I could live on my own & provide myself with what I needed - ie take care of my own needs. What that really meant for me was seeing if I could create a communtiy of support around myself & build meaningful relationships that I felt would last. For most of my time up in HUmboldt I had felt despair - beacause for the majority of my time up there I did not have these things in a a way that really satisified me. But it wasn't until I let go of HUmboldt - made the decision to move to SF that everything I had wanted began to fall into place. I fell into a relationship - which filled me in many ways - but also gave me a more solidified role in my circle of friends. All of my relationships began to deepen, & I had the community I had been seeking this whole time. There is a universal cosmic principle here - about focusing intention & laying the groundwork for what you want - but then letting go of the outcome in order to have something manifest. If I had chosed to stay in Humboldt - things would have been very very different. It wasn't just Calder though - & for this reason I am so glad that he left a few days before I did - so I could say my goodbye to him independently and seperately and not have the anxiety about that separation color the rest of my goodbye experience. By the time I had finished my goodbye party - I was exhausted & totally done saying goodbyes - but the next morning I had planned and scheduled a final separation ritual with two of my "witchy" friends up here. I had asked them to be free on Monday morning for me to help me do some sort of Humboldt separation ritual. The morning of I had no idea still what I wanted to do - & after the night with the circle of women I felt full up & done. But on my way up the hill I realized that this wasn't to be a sad ritual - it was to be a gratitude ritual - Beforethat I had been focusing all of my goodbye energy on the people I'd come to love - but so much of what has balanced and grounded me & given me the deep soul rest that I had needed was just being in the Redwoods on that land. So I used that time to thank the elements and the land and to have my own personal separation from that - & it was perfect. What I'm wondering about now is how when it came time to leave - I was really totally fine. I had done so much preparation - like pulling a band-aid off hair by hair - that by the time it came to drive away - the bandaid was already off & it didn't hurt anymore. I'm just surprised in hindsight that I was able to take such good care of myself - & thats kinda cool Being in the Bay area has been wonderful the past few days as well - I've gotten to sit in on a Capoiera class - some of Charlottes Clowning School classes, Sarah's Urbanization of Developing Nations class - & a SOmatic Psych class at a grad school I've been looking into States of limbo I am in & so far - doin okay :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
5:46 pm	Remembering . . . Perhaps tiz time for another romp through my online journal . . . after sufficiently banishing it from my repertoire of communication mediums, I think I'm ready to reclaim this space as my own & wrap up some finishing notes on the Humboldt experience . . . Remembering how hot it is outside . . . I can't wait for the next adventure. In the process of truly deeply making the decision both to come here in the first place & then to leave here again after only a year - I have been dealing with some of my deepest seated insecurities and issues - attachment, independence, family & community . . . sometimes I don't fully understand why certain decisions are right, but I know throughout my entire being that moving away from here now is the right decision - & it feels healthy & good It's the same issue in my face again - releasing myself from my current attachments - & having faith that my needs will be provided for as I once again leap into the unknown. Burning Man fucking rocked. I went in having really not a clue as to what to actually expect from the experience - or what the entire event was susposed to MEAN. But after a week of celebrating the fantastical & the possible in the realm of human expression and capabilities . . . and then watching that man Burn - releasing all of whats been, creating it. doing it. being it all out - & then willingly destroying it - actively anhilating that which you've nurtured and created out of the very fiber of your being and personal resources . . . so that more may grow . . . that was powerful. That was my meaning - my explanation - which I didn't realize until I was walking up to the Man Saturday night preparing to watch them explode the damn thing & wondering why. . . The entire event was never even given an attempt at being explained . . . it belonged to each and every person that was there. Every corner or art instilation or theme camp you stumbled into was the result of one person or group of peoples bizarre crazy fantasy that they believed in enough to make manifest - It was the hugest god damn festival I've ever been to, but the whole thing was not commercially designed by a board of directors or CEO to make the masses collectively salivate & give them pleasure as they hand over their money at every turn - instead each location/ activity/ person had its own flavor - It was like stumbling from one persons dream world to anothers - with the constant invitation to create your own - & share of yourself. that was the other thing . . . the gift economy. Now granted theres a synic in me that looks at the entire event and says first of all there's no way that 30,000 plus people can gather on a dried up lake bed - party there asses off & still leave no trace & not damage the environment - secondly there's the oh my lord hypocrysy of all the anti-materialistic rhetoric in the midst of the most glamorous all out costume -sweatshop or mass produced plastic trinket exchanging - ridiculous amount of personal financial resources going into this over-processed - who can out extreme & out neonify their own neighbor FEST. I mean really - I spent more money on this event - getting there, preparation, & the ticket than I have spent on any single event I have ever gone to - & that does not include the cost of bringing things to gift to other people . . . so with that synicism and note of slight hypocrisy out of the way I must say that I am absolutely IN LOVE WITH the expereince of the gift economy that was at burning man. The creativity & the expression that each person offered just with the way they'd present themselves whilst walking around was in its own way a gift, let alone the fantastcial art creations or air conditioned om domes, or middle of the desert margarita or ice cream stands, or free electrical shock on the booty sorts of gifts that you'd find just by wandering around- everything you could possible want was there - There was really no need for concern about having your needs met - cuz the playa provides . . . There was one camp that I particularly appreciated & it was the Truth & Beauty camp - Their concept was that of Paranoa - which is the opposite of paranoia & basically is the belief that everyone & everything in the universe is conspiring to give you exactly what you need exactly when you need it - *chuckle* A damn cool philosophy & so evident on the playa . . . I really really liked having a barter base cash free economy for a week. & of course the ethic was that of total generosity as the event is defining itself in contrast to the everyday work a day world where we must conserve & compete for resources - but being able to just give the "fluffy" off your back to someone who mentions how much they like it & or to someone who has just provided you with all the liquid latex & supplies you could possible desire - was so wonderful - people traded necklaces, craft supplies, services from weird ass head massages to providing free coffee, people offerred their entertainment skills - & there was SO much talent there . . . I think I saw the finist juggling, acrobatic, devil stick, & fire poi talent I have ever witnessed in one place. Stilt walkers, unicyclists, body painters - you name it people were sharing it- oh god it was all just one big fest of YUM & it was so big you could never hope to explore the entire city in the week there - the best part was deciding on a destination or workshop you wished to attend & then never getting there because you ran into too many other cool things on your way . . . It was a delectable feast & coping with the environment wasn't a huge ass issue either - It was HOT & DRY & dust storms were intense & water was absolutely essential to have with you at all times - but I didn't get sunburned once & it felt so lovely to just walk around all day mostly in just a sarong and stay cool - or run up behind the water truck to take a shower if you missed the Human Carcass Wash - or get sprayed and misted by some wonderful human being as you walked by them. It was a scrumptious love & dust fest & I think I'll leave it at that. But then there's Calder. . . I feel so ridiculously blessed to have gotten to discover burning man for the first time together with him, & to let our relationship dynamic continue to unfold within the framework of such a unique container. I feel so grateful - so thankful - He is an angel touching my life and making it okay to say goodbye - making it okay to laugh and play - be silly & be simple. To smile until my cheeks hurt . . . he is a salve for sore wounds. A bringer of joy - fantastical & mythically gifted - I honor him. infinite gratitude for the healing power of the gift of delight he brings me over and over . . . . . . thank you so much mama - you are always holding me I'm feeling peaceful & joyful There is not much more for me to do here other than wrap up my life in the next three weeks & move. It's hard to tear down the curtains, - the decorations - the fabric with which I've structured my world here, The fear that it's all been an illusion & that once I've left it will cease to ever have existed at all -fills me at times . . . Burning Man helped me prepare for this - My room was literally bare upon my return as I'd stirpped off and packed away all my bedding - wall hangings and sarongs for the event - it was a foreshadowing flavor of the bittersweet task ahead of me of piece by piece going through my life - my spaces: at work, at home - & removing, giving away, & packing it up - altaring my world- trinket by trinket - memory by memory . I am such a damned setimental old fool. But I've had this realization lately: I have been playing DAMN hard. I have not let an opportunity by to suck up some new opportunity or experience & try it on for size & as a result I have been living HARD - & it's pretty much been non-stop since I started my senior year of college two years ago - but it's been most exacerbated throughout my time in Humboldt . . . & shock of all shocks - by jove I'm actually really looking forward to resting a bit - hibernating for a while - Not actively recruiting new ties or experiences but nurturing some of my familial & only long term close friendships & feeding my academic hunger as well & spending my time mostly reading & researching . . . I'm actually really ready for this change & it's what feels absolutely right for right now. Odd -that I almost even feel that i can't wait . . . to leave my fantasy dream land of Redwoods & gardens - & even a new love . . . to go live with my dad in a friggen motorhome in sterile SanDiego? ugh but thats how I Have been looking at it in the past- through synicism & fear - fear that the gifts I have now will never be repeated - that I must hold onto them or they will vanquish. The truth is that they will vanquish anyhow - the gifts have been nurturing and fruitful at this time & point in my life & now I have another gift to look forward to - The gift of the experience of bringing all the new selves & identities that I've created up here - into a a new context: challenging myself to shed the unnecessary & be able to clearly identify & maintain the golden shards. The gift of spending this time with my father. Of getting to live in a new place. of seeing how the relationships I've started up here might change or grow or taper off once I leave & seeing how I feel about all that - To challenge the fear inside that says leaving somehow equates to throwing it all away - all the time, love & energy I've put into making this place a home. I move to a new level of challenges - integrating this expereince into the new ones waiting for me. I am not turning my back whats been - but embracing another layer of possibility. Sounding pretty optimistic right now I guess. . . God I hope I make it through this *grin* (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
2:29 pm	The story of Yggdrasil My feet are covered with earth . . . it's one of those days that started off unexpected and weird and just got harder and harder I'm going to start from the beginnning . . . She walked into my house unnannounced from nowhere and claimed me as hers. I gave in. Although I longed for a kitty I had been nobley and stoicaly resisting for a rather long time for solid good reasons - such as the fact that I can't really afford to care for one, and being young with my lifes plans all up in the air, can't really offer any kitty a stable home . . . I had fallen for a little gray kitty whom I named Widget at the end of last year, but didn't take him with me when I moved to the place I'm at now for the above reasons . . . only to find out that not too long after I'd left he had passed away. His stomach didn't develop properly & he wasvery sick. So when this new kitty literally walked in my house & jumped in my lap & purred and cuddled just the way the cat I grew up with had ("Pud", whom is the cat god of mariah's reality & whom vanished without a trace about a year ago before I moved up here) . . . I couldn't resist. Plus Sarah (my landlady) said that the new kitty could stay at the house if I had to leave and couldn't take her with me. She was such a blessing. She came at a time when emotionally I had nothing tying me to that house - I had been searching for other living arrangements only to discover that unless I wanted to sign a lease - I really couldn't do better than what I had. I had a place in mind & the day I got news that it had fallen through was the day that this new kitty waltzed through the door. This was mid-April I considered her an omen for staying where I was at. I felt my grandmothers around me at times . . . they seemed to be giggling and saying "see! we knew you'd like her!" . . . I named her Yggdrasil . . . after the norse tree of life . . . a name that only I seemed to like - but it was her name - it's what came out of my mouth immedietly when I saw her. Others called her different things - little babushka . . . foxy lady . . . I often called her my little snow leopard - cuz thats what she looked like. Beautiful white and silver . . . she was vary dainty and little . . . like there was a bit of Siamese in her . . . She cuddled right up next to my neck to sleep at night & liked to wake me up at 6am by making biscuits madly all over my face and neck . . . so in love with this little kitty did I let myself become anyhow . .. Thursday night at about 5am I was driving my friend home after a bonfire I'd been at with several wonderful friends. I was sober & not speeding . . . and . . . I hit a cat. It ran straight out of the bushes and right in front of my car. there was nothing I could have done. I had never run over anything before in my life & was beside myself. She was somebody's pet as she had a collar on & was still moving a little . . . I went up closer to her to see if I could do anything - a car passed by and shown its lights on her & I froze - she didn't look so hot & I couldn' get any closer. I told her I was sorry & was gonna see if I could do anything to help. I took Serena home & called the animal hospital - but they couldn't do anything unless I brought the animal in myself & paid a minimum of $100. up front for the check up. I called the Human Society's hotline . . . not helpful. The police - even less helpful. The chances of her making it seemed pretty slim, so I left Serena's & went back to the cat to see if I could move it and take it in. She was dead as I'd expected I guess - but it was still so so hard. I made peace with the animal & myself the best I could and went home - I was exhausted. When I came home Yggdrasil wasn't around. That night I dreamt I drove by the accident site on the way to work & saw her get up - it was just a broken shoulderblade . . . my sister was there whose much better than I at handling traumatic events and blood etc than I am . . . & she picked it up and we took it the hospital where she was healed. I felt better when I woke up even though it was just a dream. Yggdrasil still wasn't around. I'd been having the impulse to go and get a library bike recently & so that morning - as a way of paying penance sorta & trying to make good on my cat transgression - I checked out a library bike - renewing my commitment to start weaning myself off my car. I was highly distraught at the idea of continuing to do something (drive) that dispite your best efforts or highest caution - could take life at any moment. I was hating my car & feeling so deeply guilty about it all. I went home for lunch & my beautiful little snow leopard was all curled up on my bed taking a catnap. I was so happy to see her. I gave her lots of love & snuggles & then burst into tears again. I felt so guilty. What right had I to take comfort in my own pet when I had just taken the life of someone else's while they slept . . . Intentionally or not? I vowed then that I would take care of this little kitty - get her spayed - get her her shots & do my best to give this cat a good home & pay homage to the world of kitties. That was Friday. I stayed home on Sunday - I needed an "at home" restful day, & as it was fathers day so I decided to sit down and call him. So I opened my window, propped it up with a stick, went and got the phone & called him. I told him about running over the cat and mid-story he stopped & said that grandma dee (his passed away mother - whose nickname by the way was "the Cat") was suddenly seemingly very present. He started telling me how when he was a boy she had comforted him by telling him that a kittly that he had just lost wasn't really gone - that it was just its furry overcoat that was left. He told me his cat had died when it was sitting in a window propped up by a stick that had fallen & crushed it. I looked at my window - chills . . . I think I've opened that window twice total since I'd been there. I told him that I was looking out a window propped up in just that way as he was telling me the story & we both agreed the coincidence was eerie & then went on talking. When I hung up the phone I went to go hang it up, but then Yggdrasil came in. I stopped - Ran to the window & closed it. She went straight to it and stared out of it for a good five minutes. more chills . . . This morning when I woke up and went into the kitchen - Joan and Sarah were there. Joan told me that last night my kitty had been hit by a car - that she was sorry & didn't know how to tell me it. I was stunned. surely didn't believe it. Am still stunned. I dug a little grave under the apple trees in the yard and placed her in it along with a tiny cat figurine I've had since I was a child - placed it right cuddled up to her neck the way she liked to cuddle up to me & did a little ritual thanking her for her very needed presence in my life no matter how brief. Even in death she is so beautiful. Even worse has been that there have been all these strange little comments and omens around these heinous kitty tragedies in my life. the lady at the library bike place asked out of nowhere while I was trying to find a good bike. . . "Do you like cats?" She was trying to gather donations for a yard sale she was holding to help raise funds to spay and neuter some abandoned cats behind Safeway. Then there was my dad & the propped open window story . . . Then today after finally deciding I was pulled together enough to go to work - walking out to my car - theres a random lost goat in our yard. eh!? The women working in the child care center next door asked me if I could get Sarah & see if we could keep it contained until its owner came home from work . . . they didn't want it to get hit by a car - ouch Then after we got the goat into Sarah's van yet another neighbor came by to say she could keep the goat fenced in in her yard. Oh & by the way - did we know about the dead cat out front of our house this morning? . . . double ouch . . . . oh and had we seen hers? Her cat had been missing for several days & she was getting frantic. My heart jumped into my throat . . . "please don't let it be the one i hit . . . oh pleease oh please oh please" thank god it wasn't but still how fucking random and bizarre is it that she would be here on our property talking about her lost cat in the midst of all this . . . worse yet commenting about how hard it is to not know what happened to it. (which of course touches on my old would of having Pud - my first cat vanish without a trace only last year). Even as I'm writing this post this guy at work wont stop interrupting my writing & is ignorantly telling me this story about a guy who hit a man with his car & how the windshield was all bloody etc . . . and made some excuse about thinking he'd hit an animal instead . . . Jesus shut up already! What the *@*&@$*&^@$fuck is going on!? My mind really wants to make sense of all of this & I am hurting over the past days horrible kitty events very deeply & I just can't stand it. Of course I want to think its cosmic justice to have my kitty run over after I ran over someone else's but still . . . I mean Jesus - Pud disappears - Widget *dies* - I run over a cat & then Yggdrasil gets run over. I'm a bad omen for kitties But I love them so so much trying to keep a balanced perspective & not blame myself for all this is going to be really hard & will take me a while. It's also really hard to avoid getting attached to a cat for so long & then finally let myself do it - to have her taken away again so quickly. Mixed guilt & loss & sadness & anger about it all . . . *sigh* It'll probably be a really long time before I take in another cat. They are such an amazing and joyeous expression of life I Current Mood: horribly sad (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 16th, 2003
2:34 pm	In the belly of Mola I went tidepooling early this morning with these two amazing and adventurous old ladies who are super spry and get way too excited over rock lice and various types of agae and snails. they were an awesome wealth of information. The tide only gets as low as it was this morning once or twice a year & I was stoaked to discover that this one huge rock, when viewed from just the right angle looks just like Mola from the Neverending Story . .. (the giant ancient turtle with shrubs and trees growing on its back) complete with head and neck . . . even more exciting was walking around the thing and discovering that there was a deep cave inside - so we hopped a bunch of rocks and tidepools and went inside where it was full of sea stars and pink and green enenames (sp?). There I was . . . in the belly of Mola and it was teeming with life :) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
6:19 pm	Reflecting on limas Wow. I had a really really surpisingly good day. How nice:) & I'd forgotten how dearly I love lima beans (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 27th, 2003
7:38 pm	What Is Quite frequently I get the sense that the world I'm living in doesn't really exist. That I've invented this house, this town, this job, this square - that I'm just drifting through these figments of my imagination living this whole life I've dreamed up for myself - & it's just another story - another sequencing of hours that pass by like a lingering scent in the air that is forgotten again as quickly as the wind shifts. I even feel at times that these people in my days are only my ideas of what they should be - What I see of them is not real - not anything really close to that which they are actually made of. Like I cannot see beyond the facade of my projections of who they are, mixed up with their own social presentations of themselves. Like it is all a great rehearsed play, & I am the narrator. This is me looking out from behind my eyes at the world. Who are these people in their own minds eye? What is the them that accompanies them throughout their everyday tasks looking back at me? How to make our own humanity more transparent? How to make mine so? "Yo no soy yo.               Soy este que va a mi lado sin yo verlo; que, a veces, voy a ver, y que, a veces olvido. El que calla, sereno, cuando hablo, el que perdona, dulce, cuando odio, el que pasea por donde no estoy, el que quedará en pie cuando yo muera." Juan Ramon Jimenez English Translation: "I am not I. I am the swan who stands ever present by my side which I cannot see; whom, sometimes, I consult with, and whom sometimes I forget. The one that is silent when I talk, The one that forgives when I hate, The one that walks through places I am not, and The one that shall remain standing when I die. " Heh - I'm feeling a bit isolated and disheartened. I've had several things come to a close & wrap up in my life recently without much of a bang. I put a lot of my heart & soul into the work project I did recently & the dance piece & everything else, & its not that anything went particularly poorly - I'm just sorta feeling like there wasn't much in the way of any sort of a pay off. Not that I expected anymore than the joy of the experience for its own sake - I'm just sorta feeling kinda lackluster & done with it all. It was all much ado about not all that much in the end, or at least thats the way I'm feeling now. Like it's done, walk away, end of story. How to make more of these accumulations of hours and events & patterns and repetitions that are at once so poignant and beautiful in that they are the only constancy of substance that make up this relentlessly beautiful world, and yet however are simultaneously transparent and meaningless in and of themselves, without the rest of the worlds particles dancing about them endowing them with meaning and context? Standing on the bridge yesterday, watching those two mighty rivers converge together, mixing and churning their waters until they were one, over and over again in a perpetual stream of motion - I made a comment . . . "It's the same pattern over and over again" . . . Normon, the 50 year old german man, who still lives with his mother & has a face that looks squeaky clean & ridiculously fresh & innocent piped up instantly, with a counter: "No! it's always different" & So it seems to be with this crazy little world - continual and infinite variety & diversity within the same pattern or structure. Variations on the same theme. Like human beings, snow flakes, finger prints, the pattern of the clashing together of two steady streams of water, or uncurling smoke rising above the tip of your burning incense - always the same, but always different. No two faces, prints, moments in time alike . . . yet somehow it all remains relentlessly familiar. I woke up crying last night. I didn't remember that I had done so until about half way through my day. The dream was rather irrelevant and nonsensical, but the pain was real. It seems to have left a blanket of meloncholy on my shoulders today, - colored things a certain flavor. I'm feeling very tragic and poetic & now I am laughing at myself. Still - I don't like having that happen - it makes me feel like all is not okay with the world & with myself. Que sera the days continue . . . no two alike, yet always contained within the same familiar structure. morning, noon, and night . . . winter, spring, and summer . . . Somtimes beautiful, sometimes monotonous. Sometimes poignently full of meaning, sometimes trivial. It's all the same . . . It's just what is. Current Mood: tragic ;) (Comment on this)
Monday, May 26th, 2003
8:50 pm	Feeling Green It has worked out that I have spent the last two weekends sleeping in a tent RIGHT next to a rushing little creek . . . My how I dream when my body is next to the earth, & my conscioussness is lulled off by natures own lullaby There are really no words for today . . . for yesterday - & for last weekend. The warm weather is bringing me outdoors so much more & it's not just nice - its healing. Energetically, something is moving within me & it has a lot to do with increasing my immediate contact with nature & deepening my relationship with plants. I hiked up in the Siskiyou Wilderness today - right along the ridge of a few mountain peaks in the midst of an area that had been salvage logged after a fire in the early 80's. We were about 5500 ft up, & beacuse the area hadn't yet regenerated you could see at least a 180 degree view sweeping from the Marble Mountains to the Trinity Apls, to the Siskiyous . . . almost the entire time. At the very peak we could literally see 360 degrees around, there was snow on the ground & we discovered a small Lake on the other side of the mountain. & In the midst of feeling like I was in some seen from the Sound of Music, I couldn't help but think to myself - My god California is so beautiful! I saw where the Trinity river rushes into the Klamath, & where the Salmon River meets the Klamath over Ishi pishi bridge (where I also saw my first Osprey) & met two new smaller creeks I hadn't seen yet, one of them being Dillon Creek - hands down my favorite new spot on the planet. (Really its probably bigger than the Eel, even though it's only given creek/ Klamath Tributary status) As my friends and I descened this tiny little trail that was all booby trapped with poison oak patches, I first saw the motion of the water, but not the water itself . . . What my eyes were focusing on were the rocks BENEATH the water - the creek was that clear! It was so transparent that you could see probably at least 12 feet below the surface of the water, & when it went deeper than that it was pure aquamarine. I couldn't help but think - thank god this place exists . . . I knew that the next time I am ever stuck in traffic on the 405 in LA - or anywhere for that matter, I can think of this creek & know that right then, at that moment it is existing in all its simplicity & splendor in its own little universe up here on the north side of the state . . . & just knowing that it exists will make me feel better. I've never really felt patriotic . . . But I have recently been saying to myself - my god I LOVE California - this is my home - The entire state - The parts I love - the parts I hate, It is the place I fall in love with over and over again, the place I have history, memories & moments - & I've gone into this whole Californian pride thingy. Then of course I admonish myself for thinking that imaginary state boundaries have much to do with the areas I love, but still . . . what is actually occuring is that for the first time in my life i am developing a relationship with the land that I live on & what naturally follows is a sense of honor respect & most of all loyalty Anyhow - yesterday I hiked up Mt Orleans - a good 2600 ft. climb to the top (6000 ft) from where we started from. It was all misty & there was lots of snow still even, because April was such a rainy month. I've heard my so cal peeps complaining about 90 plus degree weather & couldn't help smile at how much I would HATE to be in that now & how absurd it was that here in the end of May I'm all stomping around in the snow. I'm just starting to get to know & be able to differentiate between lots of different kinds of trees, shrubs, flowers, plants, etc . . . up here. Same with birds. It's amazing how for me living amongst such a thriving natural environment & diversity of species I have begun to notice & care about these things. In LA nothing bored me more than listening to birders or plant afficianados debate about whether what they had seen was a this or a that based on some arbitrary stripe or marking of some sort, & I'm shocked to find myself getting all excited about figuring out what a this or that is. I've really learned quite a bit so far - enough to have the whole world open up to me & realize that truly . . . I know jack diddly squat. But beyond getting to know plants academically, I've also been working on quieting my own mind & letting my child self just get to know them & play. As such I've really been working on slowing my vibrational level down when I'm hanging out in the forest & really listening to the plants & not just rushing through the area to get to my next thing - but hanging out & simply being - I've been having some very moving experiences . . . some very surprising experiences . . . Indeed there is much for me to learn here, much . . .. & I'm excited about it. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 15th, 2003
7:57 pm	On second thought make it the left I'm more skilled with the right half :) (Comment on this)
7:55 pm	Cirque Oh my god Alegria is coming to San Francisco I will sell the right half of my body if i have to in order to go (Comment on this)
7:43 pm	Finally I am genuinely excited Finally I have all the shit wrapped up that I had to get wrapped up at work before I could get ready to go runaway and take a much needed escape & rest at the Womens Herbal Symposium this weekend. It's gonna be awesome. I'm gonna learn so much - I feel it. & I am so very ready - so ready to jump out of super high workaholic productivity mode and ease into reflective, curious, bonding, celebratory, and expressive mode. I need this time. Time to be in nature, to be with others, to be with me . . . me . . . how the hell am I doing anyway? Hmmm . . . thinks a moment, slowly starts to nod head and begins to smile Why . . . me thinks I'm doing pretty damn good. :) huzzah off to do a million things to get ready for the weekend & go see if I can catch the lunar eclipse . . . (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
1:14 am	Wiped Wow I am one hundred percent totally wiped I think I officially passed burnout & overwhelm sometime last week another night at work til 2am I can't wait til this event is over with although I know it'll be worth it in the end Completely exhausted & standing with eyes open only by the grace of the coffee gods I spent about 5 hours on the beach this afternoon scrapping all my previous plans for what I was going to do with these 800 plus kids that will be showing up at the beach in a week expecting a field trip out of me because of this or that unforseen detail/ problem . . . yet even totally frustrated . . . I still got a little high from the whole thing Here I was randomly being trained in how to design & sketch out AERIAL ART . . . in all the hoopla I'd sorta forgotten that I'd get to learn how to do this weird new thing. Sometimes I just find myself in the coolest fucking places & wonder how in the world did I arrange for myself to get to have THIS experience? I'm an expereince whore - I realized it. It's part of the reason why I am always so busy - I can justify commiting myslef to just about any new project, task or interest because I say to myself - hey - it will be more experience that I get to have - more knowledge to draw upon about the universe & the way it works . . . never before today did I have an inkling about how one might go about creating a massive aerial art image . . .nor to the great extensive detail one could go with these things . . . Or just how kooky and weird a guy who organizes and arranges aerial art for living could be . . . New facets of divinity - every day & every way it'll be cool, working to get all these kids together & cooperating for just a few moments to have this thing come together. It's been very stressful but its gonna be one of those Oh so worth it events in the end I can feel it I have to watch it though - I've had almost every moment scheduled in the last two weeks - from flying to SanDiego - to doing my dance piece last weekend with rehearsals every evening the previous week . . .& this weekend . . . more good stuff that i really don't have time to prepare for & will just have to wing I have fun doing things, but its important to know the line between when commitments change from cool learning experiences one has arranged for oneself to obligations that one cant really get out of that are too much for one to handle. Actually I think I know this boundary pretty well - It's expected that i should be going nuts right now just cuz its the biggest event I'm responsible for all year . . . so yeah - no moosie self admonishing . . . just moosie go to bed now & have a good sweet long nappy-poo before I'm up at the but crack of dawn to go off running through yet another overly packed fun filled day full of institutionalized youths eek! Current Mood: laughing at self (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 28th, 2003
8:49 pm	This town is amazing . . . Decidedly in a bit of a funk - my bellydance class was cancelled & I found out by arriving there only to find a note on the door . . . I decided to go & get a slice of pretty much my favorite indulgence food in the whole wide world - The Godfather pizza from Live from New York. . . & just sit & be by myself & stare out the window & try to reconcile so many things going on in my llife all of a sudden - last week was a time for fasting - journeying inside - I'm glad I did it then because I'm in a total different space now - I knew I had to quit the fast when I saw my schedule zooming up to smack me in the face at 70mph over this weekend . A lots going on . . . My journies in dance are blossoming & revealing secrets to me about myself, the world and connections, and I barely have enough time to catch up with them & right them all down. . . I've got presentations scheduled pretty much every single day at work from here on out til the end of May. . . Goddesses around the World this Friday. . . Moving out of the house I'm at now . . . do I want to do it? Yes/ No, Pro / Con . . . I really like the vibe I've found at this new place I'm headed towards, but I've had reservations about some of the nitty gritty specifics & finances . . . September is coming looming up like a storm of a deadline - do I want to stay here another year? There are benefits and opportunites that are opening themself up to me . . . or should I leave as planned & take my journeys to far off lands? Will it be the right time? . . . Two flat tires yesterday - still need to call Liz back . . . gotta check out that oil leak . . . Flying down suddenly to see dad this weekend - is he ok? Missing two rehearsals this weekend because of it . . . Speaking of rehearsals . . . Ali's nose - is it broken? How do I feel about finally being more comfortable risking & trusting in the dance with others & then Ali gets injured? How am I gonna feel doing this performance on stage? Improv has never felt like performance for me - it's a journey, you can't force authenticity . The challenge will be to be authentic publicly . . . connected publicly. I guess even if its not perfect & fluid, the only way out when I'm on stage will be to be exactly in the moment & nothing else - or else the audience will see it . . . Am i ready for this? It's been such a long journey , & I hadn't really thought about the logistics of taking this piece on stage - without having movement set - until now. I've been so absorbed in the whole learning process of being a part of the piece. Will it work when it needs to? - sometimes it works in rehearsal, but often it doesn't - how will we make it work on stage? The risk is being awkward & human & even ugly publicly. Realizing how used to their bodies I've been becoming - how thats taken time . . . . I sit down to think about all this - try to reflect & put some order in these spinnings- to try to make sense of my feelings & pull together some semblance of purpose & direction & I don't get that far even because a girl I know passes by & sees me in the window, comes on in & we start chatting . . . .not long later Ali walks by - her nose looks okay thank god & she comes in and joins us & we get into a long conversation about dance & communtiy & connection & relationships. It was so nice & really exactly what I needed - much more so than another trip around the merry go round of thoughts in my own head . . I notice Ali & I stand closer to each other & touch each other more than we do with Rebecca - she doesn't touch either of us - realizing its because we're so used to each others bodies & being in contact . . . we're doing it now without thinking & theres nothing sexual about it at all . . . thinking about physicallity & contact & friends - & the role that dance & friends play in my enjoyment of human touch . . - then Silus comes in. Two more people walk by that I recognize & know but they don't see me - No quiet time for moosie- but it was good. I really enjoy having a community of people that I can talk to about things that are important to me just suddenly blossom up to meet me in a moment when I feel most befuddled and am staring out the window nibbling a godfather pizza. & unexpectedly even - If it happened all the time I guess it would be annoying - but it doesn't, just sometimes. It is true that the longer I've been here & the more involved I've become the more the spheres of my life are crossing & overlapping. Like giving a presentation to Georgia's class this morning - (my director from the Vagina monolouge's daughter). & then running into Kristy after school - Crossing spheres of life Some times I feel I have more community than I could ever hope for up here - I really feel how its built up substantially & exponentially over time. I guess the trick to living in a small community if you're active in several spheres of it is to be true to yourself & authentically you as possible in all of your relationships so that you don't feel trapped or limited by running into people you know in different places. All in all though - even in the loneliest parts of town up here this place has more of a sense of community then anywhere I've ever been. It's pretty good stuff :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 26th, 2003
9:49 pm	Aboriginal Creation Myth YHI ------- The goddess of light and creator goddess of the Karraur, an Australian aboriginal group, she lay asleep in the Dreamtime before this world's creation, in a world of bone-bare, windless mountains. Suddenly, a whistle startled the goddess. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes, flooding the world with light. The earth stirred under her warm rays. Yhi drifted down to this new land, walking north, south, east, west. As she did, plants sprang up from her footprints. She walked the world's surface until she had stepped everywhere, until every inch was covered with green. Then the goddess sat to rest on the treeless plain. As she glanced around, she realized that the new plants could not move, and she desired to see something dance. Seeking that dancing life, she descended beneath the earth, where she found evil spirits who tried to sing her to death. But they were not as powerful as Yhi. Her warmth melted the darkness, and tiny forms began to move there. The forms turned into butterflies and bees and insects that swarmed around her in a dancing mass. She led them forth into the sunny world. But there were still caves of ice, high in the mountains, in which other beings rested. Yhi spread her light into them, one at a time. She stared into the cave's black interiors until water formed. Then she saw something move-something, and another thing, and another. Fishes and lizards swam forth. Cave after cave she freed from its darkness, and birds and animals poured forth onto the face of the earth. Soon the entire world was dancing with life. Then, in her golden voice, Yhi spoke. She told her creatures she would return to her own world. She blessed them with changing seasons and with the knowledge that when they died they would join her in the sky. Then, turning herself into a ball of light, she sank below the horizon. As she disappeared, darkness fell upon on the earth's surface. The new creatures were afraid. There was sorrow and mourning, and finally there was sleep. And, soon, there was the first dawn, for Yhi had never intended to abandon her creation. One by one the sleepy creatures woke to see light breaking in the east. A bird chorus greeted their mistress, and the lake and ocean waters that had been rising in mists, trying to reach her, sank down calmly. For eons of Dreamtime the animals lived in peace on Yhi's earth, but then a vague sadness began to fill them. They ceased to delight in what they were. She had planned never to return to earth, but she felt so sorry for her creatures that she said, "Just once. Just this once." So she slid down to the earth's surface and asked the creatures what was wrong. Wombat wanted to wiggle along the ground. Kangaroo wanted to fly. Bat wanted wings. Lizard wanted legs. Seal wanted to swim. And the confused Platypus wanted something of every other animal. And so Yhi gave them what they wanted. From the beautiful regular forms of the early creation came the strange creatures that now walk the earth. Yhi then swept herself up to the sky again. She had one other task yet to complete: the creation of woman. She had already embodied thought in male form and set him wandering the earth. But nothing - not the plants, not the insects, not the birds or beasts or fish seemed like him. He was lonely. Yhi went to him one morning as he slept near a grass tree. He slept fitfully, full of strange dreams. As he emerged from his dreaming he saw the flower stalk on the grass tree shining with sunlight. He was drawn to the tree, as were all the earth's other creatures. Reverent and astonished, they watched as the power of Yhi concentrated itself on the flower stalk. The flower stalk began to move rhythmically - to breathe. Then it changed form, softened, became a woman. Slowly emerging into the light from which she was formed, the first woman gave her hand to the first man.   (Comment on this)